I don’t trust my body

As I mentioned here I have a massively exciting opportunity coming up next week. And it’s safe to say, I am terrified. Not of the event, it’s only chatting to a few politicians after all, but of the whole day. 6 hours of travelling. 4 hours of having to stand up and socialise.

It’s hit or miss whether my body will hold out. I’ve planned the best I can, I’m getting taxis instead of buses, I’ve requested assistance where I can, but it’s still a massive ask, and I don’t know how it’ll go.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this problem, and I know it won’t be the last. Every time I’m planning a big event, a trip away from home, a holiday, especially if I’m travelling alone, I have the same fears, because put simply, I don’t trust my body.

I don’t trust that I won’t faint in the middle of nowhere. I don’t trust that I won’t get brain fog and end up lost. I don’t trust that my joints will hold out and I’ll be able to walk. I don’t trust that I won’t get really dizzy and sick and be unable to leave a random bathroom. I don’t trust that my body just won’t give out on me.

Add to that the general uselessness of British transport, my student-ness meaning a lack of money if I do get stranded, and general anxiety, and I’m in a right mess. Every time I leave my house I take supplies, snacks, extra medication, phone charger, anything in case I get stuck.

All I hope is that one day, when I’m more used to my health, this will get easier. Because for now, leaving my flat for more than a few hours is terrifying.

 

Does anyone else feel the same? Does anyone have any advice?

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5 thoughts on “I don’t trust my body

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  1. Remember to find something you like about your body, so you can still have a positive relationship. I’m a data-riffic person, so starting to actively track how I was doing so I could try to find what would work to maximize my function helped me feel more in control again. Deciding my life was an engineering problem I could solve helped as well.

    It’s still not fun. But at least it can get a little better, and those little things can pay interest until a day is twice as good.

    Note, I have different problems: fibromyalgia and GAD. I got through college, worked my ass off, and slowly had health decline until current. But the good news is, you get to practice load balancing now. Everyone has to eventually, but you’re getting a jump on it.

    Hope this helps, feel free to email.

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    1. Thanks for your comment! I agree, it’s great practice for managing workload and things, I even put it on job applications that I’ve had lots of practice.

      Tracking your body sounds really interesting. I do track my symptoms, but not in relation to what I’m doing. I do love a good graph though!

      Caroline

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  2. I love that you do all the same activities I do to relax and find some fun. Going to the store is a struggle, I could never attempt a vacation. I’m glad you spoke out. Doctor’s don’t understand let alone your average Joe. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I’m hoping that by sharing this people will start to understand a bit more, because I have to admit, before I became ill I would never have imagined it would feel like this.

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